Greg rubbed his eyes and blinked. He should pull over, but
Tony slept in the passenger seat and he couldn’t bear to wake him.
It had been a fantastic weekend. The smell of sweat and sex
still permeated their clothes. Tony snored, nearly loud enough to drown out the
radio. That was playing one of the many CDs they were bringing back from the
festival.
He should have booked one more day off work. Tony, much more
experience in the ways of such things, had done exactly that, but Greg had a
hard enough time getting the day before off. There was no way he’d get another
vacation day approved.
Greg yawned, his eyes squeezing shut and had to blink twice
as hard when they opened again. There was fog coming in, but it wasn't that
bad, was it? When did it get so thick?
Rubbing his eyes again, the image improved marginally, but
the visibility was still awful.
Tony snorted and started, sitting up in a jerk.
“What?” he asked, then smiled sheepishly at Greg. “That was
a pretty good dream.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, we– truck!”
Greg didn't see it then and couldn't see anything after.
Tony guided him home.
I am really not happy with this piece. I hope I get to come back and work on it some more, but if I don't, forgive me for the slap job on this one. I promise something really good next time (hopefully I can deliver on that). There are more great shorts of 200 words. Just pop to the blog and read them all.
It left questions in my mind. Did Greg die? Was Tony some kind of Angel. You really need to expand on this story. I love it
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ReplyDeleteI liked where this feels like it might be going. There's a great deal of conflict between the joy and the ending which. I think there's a lot here that you could build on to create a wonderful story.
ReplyDeleteThis had an amazingly different pitch to it in the beginning than the ending, which, of course, it isn't. Once again, a fabulous teaser that only leaves us thinking.....and wanting more. What you can do with a string of unrelated words is amazing. xo
ReplyDeleteIt's not a bad piece, ragther intriguing. You said it needed re-working, but so far, it's good.
ReplyDeleteVery dark and a piece I'd like to see expanded
ReplyDeleteIt's very haunting and unexpected. I think it's just the last line that needs some retooling. But lots of potential here!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your story. I think if you allow the entire tale to work itself out.... I believe you will enjoy this snippet better
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